What is a Healthy Relationship?

One of the early goals in my work with people is to help them recognize and grow comfortable with ambiguity. In other words, it’s okay not to have all the answers, it’s okay to feel all the feelings, and it’s okay for things to be messy. The world is not black and white, yet many find comfort in that way of thinking. Learning to live in the gray is the goal. Being willing to let things unfold and not have all the answers is okay.

So when I talk about attachment styles or healthy versus unhealthy relationships it is important to remember that relationships will not check all the boxes and that no one person or relationship is perfect. Gaining awareness and perspective, and being open to sitting in some discomfort during growth and change is a key to healthy secure relationships.

Here are traits of a healthy relationship that we can all strive for. When considering these remember to be kind to yourself and your partner, we are all works in progress.

• Autonomy and Authenticity - Allowing space for your partner to express their individuality and value their independence.

• Honesty and Good Communication - Utilize kind and explicit communication. In other words Say The Thing. Don’t assume they know or that they should know.

• Kindness and Respect - A healthy relationship is full of mutual respect and empathy and allows one another to feel your feelings without having to explain them from a position of defense.

• Shared Experiences - Mutual likes and commonalities build connection and closeness.

• Common Values - Finding someone who your values align with allows you to feel safe to share your views and to feel connected on a deep level.

• Trust and Mutual Commitment - Having a clear understanding of where your relationship stands and what you can expect from one another builds trust and connection.

• Healthy Boundaries - Boundaries are not something we impose on someone else, they are instead something we create for our own physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. Communicating your boundaries and having your partner respect them creates safety and security.

• Healthy Conflict and Resolution - All relationships have conflict. Learning to communicate conflict in a kind and respectful manner allows people to stay calm and creates an environment for resolution.

• Supporting Personal Goals and Relationships - Healthy relationships foster individuality and create a support mechanism for each person to reach their goals. They also respect and support their partner's friendships and familial relationships.

• Intimacy - Healthy relationships are a safe place for each partner to be vulnerable. This creates an environment that encourages intimacy in many forms (intellectual, emotional, and physical).

The traits of an unhealthy or toxic relationship look like the following:

• Unsupportive Partner

• Absence of Trust

• Lack of Boundaries or Lack of Respect of Boundaries

• Poor Communication

• Trying to Change Your Partner

• Possessiveness

• Incompatibility

• Lack of Intimacy

• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, neglect)

• Imbalance of power

• Controlling Behavior

• Allowing Conflict to Fester

• Attention Seeking

Here are ways that you and your partner can work to form a more healthy and secure relationship.

• Be responsive to your partner - Validation and acknowledgment of your partner's thoughts and feelings.

• Be attentive to your partner's needs - If your partner shares their needs with you do your best to attend to them or communicate about them.

• Share your needs with your partner - Communicating your needs allows your partner to know you better and show up for you more in the relationship. Relationships should not be a guessing game.

• Be kind and approach one another with empathy and understanding - Responding to your partner in a supportive and open manner versus responding in a reactive and defensive manner.

• Show regular affection to one another - Affection creates connection whether it is compliments, inside jokes, physical, etc., and reminds your partner that you care and think of them.

• Turn towards one another in times of conflict or distress, instead of turning away - Staying calm and engaged during conflict builds trust and helps to create new patterns in the relationship.

• Respect your partner's need for space and recognize that it may differ from your own

• Respect your partner's boundaries and opinions - Be curious about what makes your partner feel most comfortable and secure.

• Commit to learning and growing - Learn about areas of both the relationship and yourself as an individual that needs to be better understood and worked on.

• Engage in shared and meaningful activities and experiences - This allows you to gain connections, build memories, and learn more about your partner and yourself.

If you notice that your relationship has unhealthy traits or if you recognize that you have a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships consider the following:

• Why would a person stay in an unhealthy relationship?

• What are some reasons that a person would reject a healthy relationship?

• What are your deal breakers in a relationship?

• Which traits of a healthy relationship are most important to you?

• What characteristics of a healthy relationship have you never experienced, but would like to?