Attachment Styles
I am not the biggest fan of labels, I believe people are uniquely beautiful and deserve to be seen that way. Labels and diagnoses can have the power to be used to oppress and limit us. And, also. Having a label or a name for something we identify with can be empowering and lead to a better understanding of ourselves and those we love.
Whenever I discuss attachment styles, I preface the conversation with the idea that no person is just one thing; you may be avoidant in most relationships or most days, but that doesn’t mean that is who you are. Attachment traits, behaviors, and styles are helpful in therapy for individuals to understand their tendencies and how their behaviors and tendencies can affect their relationships.
Attachment styles are developed from our earliest days of life, with the earliest influences being our primary caretaker. Each relationship we have throughout our life influences our attachment styles. There are 4 basic styles; avoidant, anxious, disorganized, and secure.
Individuals who experience avoidant attachments likely had to learn to self-soothe early in life. When these individuals are faced with conflict or distress in relationships they tend to pull away and retreat inward. Avoidant individuals can struggle to stay connected to their emotions and will often resort to sharing logical arguments. They stay above the shoulders. They can be resistant to relying on others and take pride in their independent nature. These individuals desire connection and closeness, and at the same time that closeness makes them feel uncomfortable. In therapy, a person who experiences avoidant attachment can learn to connect with their emotions and recognize and express them to their loved ones. As they begin to identify and connect with their emotions, they will notice that they feel more connected in their relationships. Therapy can help them learn to deal with conflict and distress healthily, and they will expend less energy avoiding it.
Individuals who experience anxious attachments likely learned early on that they had to seek and earn comfort. In relationships when these individuals are faced with conflict or distress their nervous system becomes dysregulated. They tend to seek reassurance and struggle to communicate their needs. These individuals desire closeness, but being in a relationship can be a trigger to their fear of abandonment. Anxiously attached individuals can experience quick mood shifts. In therapy, a person who experiences anxious attachment can learn ways to calm their nervous system. They can develop the ability to trust the reassurances that they receive from others. Therapy can help these individuals learn to identify their needs in relationships and communicate those needs. By learning that they are ok in the world and better understanding their value, anxious attached individuals can feel safer in relationships.
Individuals who experience disorganized attachment typically have a history of childhood trauma that is unprocessed. They struggle to regulate their emotions and their inner world can feel chaotic and confusing. These individuals often have a negative self-image and tend to speak negatively about themselves. Intimacy and trust can be difficult for them to achieve and they can find it difficult to empathize with others. Therapy can help these individuals learn to organize their thoughts and emotions, enabling them to develop tools for self-regulation. They can develop a positive sense of self and recognize their worthiness. Through therapy, they can learn to trust those around them and recognize that their past does not determine their future.
Having a secure attachment looks like the ability to demonstrate open and honest communication with the person you are in a relationship with. These individuals have worked on their relationship with themselves and are comfortable being with themselves, while also appreciating time with others. They inherently trust that they are worthy of love and know their value. Secure attachment allows a person to be vulnerable and to allow space for their loved one to be vulnerable with them. Secure attachment in ultimately achieved by individuals who work on their relationship with themselves, taking care of their physical and emotional well-being. Securely attached individuals can be flexible in their thinking, with a willingness to learn and grow. Finally, securely attached individuals feel comfortable expressing their needs in a kind and explicit manner.
In my work with clients, we initially work to understand each person's attachment styles, needs, and wounds. I tell couples that relationship therapy is both a group project and an independent study. How can we expect our partner to know us and meet our needs, when we often do not know what we need to achieve security? Witnessing your partner or family member discover things about themselves builds empathy and allows our loved one to learn to attune with us. Progress is not linear, and there can be setbacks, but at the end of the day going to therapy and putting in the work will pay off. You will learn so much about yourself and your partner and you will be able to see them as someone who you can be vulnerable with and someone who you can lean on and trust, who can provide you with the security we all desire.
If you want to geek out a little more, listen to a cool British accent, and learn more about attachment theory, I am including a TED Talk that can help to make it make sense.