Boundaries Are…

Boundaries are limits we place on ourselves to protect our own safety and happiness. 

Boundaries are often described as something we are imposing on another person. Like a set of rules or a line that the other person cannot cross without consequence. The problem with this way of understanding boundaries is that we cannot control what another person does, says, or how they behave. If your partner is making choices that negatively impact your mental, emotional, or physical health, you cannot control their actions. You can control how you respond and what you allow in your space.

Setting a healthy boundary is about caring for yourself and removing yourself from situations that cause you harm, pain, or discomfort. Setting a boundary in a relationship can be difficult and can cause pain and discomfort for yourself. In the long term, it is up to you to take care of your well-being and protect yourself from emotional and mental distress. This does not mean we must cut people out of our lives. In fact, developing healthy boundaries will often improve your relationships and serve as a model for how you expect to be treated. 

In relationships, the goal is to create an equal and secure attachment. This is achieved by both people working to know one another and act with empathy and compassion. It is also achieved by each person working to know and understand themselves. Your relationship with yourself is an essential building block of any relationships that you are in. Relationships are both a group project and an independent study. Being able to name your needs, your expectations will help your partner or loved one better understand how to show up for you. In developing boundaries for yourself, you will learn to recognize when a relationship is not serving you. Make your loved one aware of your boundaries and be able to communicate and give one another grace and space to adapt. No relationship is perfect, but using clear, kind, and explicit communication will create a healthy environment.

For many people, suggesting they should be explicit, direct, and assertive when communicating can cause them to cringe. These feel like bad words. When, in fact being explicit means to fully reveal or express yourself without vagueness or ambiguity. Being assertive means acting with confidence and effectively expressing your point of view. Direct communication removes any guessing or confusion in relationships. It shows care a kindness and eliminates the use of hints, hidden meanings, or subtle cues, all of which are left to misinterpretation. If you are not used to this type of communication, it can feel uncomfortable at first, but it is worth pushing through that discomfort to see how your relationships can change. You will alleviate the anxiety and discomfort that is all too common in relationships where individuals do not know where they stand or what their partner needs from them. 

Here are some things to consider when you think about your own boundaries.

When thinking about current or past relationships, can you identify behaviors, thoughts, or feelings that indicate that you are in need of a boundary? For example, you realize that you are a person who needs time alone to decompress or process. This is a boundary that you would share with your loved one, and in a healthy relationship, that person would respect your time and space. 

Are there behaviors that a person you are or were in a relationship with that did not feel good to you, and that you recognize caused you to feel unheard or disrespected? Using the example above. Your loved one demanded attention or contact when you shared that you needed space. 

In a relationship, did you ever have a gut feeling that something needed to change? Were you able to act on it? This is your body and mind alerting you to the need for a boundary. The need to make an adjustment in the relationship in order for you to feel calm and secure. Only you can advocate for yourself, and it is important to remember that your loved ones are not mind readers. We don’t have to make relationships more difficult than they already are. Give your loved one a chance to meet you where you are and to learn to attune with you. 

In my work with clients, I often sound like a broken record, just Say The Thing, state your needs in a clear and kind way, give your loved one a chance to learn and grow, and show up for you.